At long last, some personal time for myself. Some quality time to just kick back and do some actual writing.
Someone once told me that an introvert is often mistaken as a quiet, shy, inward individual who always keeps things to himself. A better representation of an introvert however, according to him, is an individual who 'recharges' by spending time to himself, away from company. An extrovert is a person who gets his energy by being around people.
Most of my buddies would opine to the contrary, but personally I believe I am very much an introvert. I love to party and do crazy shit around crazy people. I love crowds and I am most happy when it comes to meeting new faces. However much I love hanging out, social activities actually do put a toll on me. I would feel very strained from all the constant smiling, talking, and sometimes god forbids, even sick of all the drinking and merry making. As much as I want to avoid hanging out, it is just inevitable- booty calls just keep my cellphone flashing all the damn time; what is worse is that I am not a person who would say no when it comes to party invites. I just hate to dissapoint but I am learning to reject party invites.
The best time way to unwind for me would be time spent alone in my room, with my iTunes pumped up to some good ole' Yeah Yeah Yeahs or some melancholic emo tunes of Feist/Mandalay; door closed, scented aromatheraphy candles all lit up, soothing yellow light lit down, a bottle of Vodka + OJ with me either reading a good book on world politics/history or just doing some blogging to pen my thoughts of the moment down.
Su Yin is right, as the stupid girl always is. I will always have my crazy memories of America with me, but it is the point in time when I chronicled the events here that is precious. The words that I would use to describe events would never be the same as those that I would choose should I want to relate those events years later.
*************************************************
Every once in a while, I get kids coming up to me singing unwarranted praises of the way I live my life here in the US. Malaysian and American kids alike.
The usual rants from Malaysian kids would sound "Kit, you are so fortunate to be able to be in the States. Sigh. I wish I was you partying away. Sigh. I have never been out of the country and I don't know if I ever will. Sigh."
The Americans would say "Dude, you're totally rad. I look up to you dude, I am an American, this is my country, but you have done more shit than I have ever done or probably would ever do. Way to live it up, boy"
If only the book looks as good as the story within. If only the person is always as crazy as the life he lives.
I never had a older sibling when I grew up. I wish I had a big brother who would point me in the right direction but I didn't. I wish I had someone who would fuck up before me and then tell me why I should not fuck up the same way he did. My entire life was charted by myself. I went wherever I wanted to go. I did whatever that I wanted to do. I made my own decision and I lived with the consequences that follows. My parents was never there to provide any support besides those on monetary basis which lasted till I turn 19. Don't get me wrong, I love my folks. Some times I just wish that I have some one to look up to. Some one who can be my role model that would provide me with some sense of directions.
I am sick and tired of being my own navigator. I am sick and tired of being anyone's misguided role model, except for my brothers because it they are my utmost responsibility and if anyone was to fuck up- it better be the strongest of the lot.
I am Me. I am an distinct Individual. I do not live my life as according to the dictation or expectation of whomsoever. I am not your poster boy of American Liberty personified in a Malaysian shell. I am living it up because I want to. I am an opportunist. When I see an opportunity, I grab it and never let go. That is basically the reason why I never pass up any chances to do anything crazy. I only have one life to live. I am going to push things into overdrive while I still have the opportunity to do so. Life is only limited by death, and if I die doing so, let it be remembered that I died living.
Do not ever come up to my face and tell me that I am lucky because I get to do the shit that I did. First rule in my life: Never believe in Externalities. I have only myself, thus I am only accountable to myself and that is who will matter in the end. Whatever opportunities that I have, I earned it thru my merits. I get to be in the States because I saw an opportunity that presented herself in the form of an exchange student program. I kicked 29,000 other Malaysian asses to get the spot that I rightfully deserved. There was no luck involved. Only an uncanny ability to present myself as the most deserving candidate to be selected for the program in rounds of interviews and an academic resume submission. Anyone can do that and be where I am at right now. But don't tell me that if was by some miraculous stroke of luck that I am where I am today. Blame it on your shortsightedness and unresourcefulness but do not even insinuate incompetency on my part.
Living it up is what I have learnt from Americans. I am utterly as impressed with all of you as you are with my antics. America to me, is Not a country. It is an ideal. An ideal of freedom that I have been searching for my entire life. I am free to do whatever that I want, to explore and draw my own boundaries, free from any judgement, free from any biasness, free from religion, free from tradition and cultures. I love this ideal. I am not your tradtion. I am not your asian values. I am not your child of god. I am not how society wants me to dress, talk or behave appropriately. I am not society's expecations. I am Me. I feel like a child again, learning to walk and run in this vast field, free as a bird, I am free to go anywhere. Like I have mentioned, I am an opportunist. You only need to show me a tiny hole in the wall, and I will bring down the whole building. That was what America gave me; Freedom and I can't do anything but to do Everything that I can to constantly push my limits of experience in search of a truly open mind. I am living it up because there is no other way I can go about this life that you have given me. I can only chase after the end of the horizon with the heart and steed of an untamed stallion.
Things have indeed changed alot. I feel a part of me is slowly calming down as I prepare to leave. Everything in the past 2 years has been almost surreal to me. It was like watching something straight out of a Hollywood flick about a college kid trying to reinvent and rediscover himself.
Drunken college life, mad assignment scrambles, recreational drug abuse, impressive professors-can-kiss-my-ass grades, cross country travelling, rock show rock-outs, hitch-hiking, constant new faces, a USARMY job, meeting rockstars, getting mugged at Compton, LA, occasional fucks which could have been more often, worrying 'bout how to last the month with 20 bucks, train-hopping, eating out of the dumpsters, living like a hobo in the east coast, running away from cops, getting arrested by cops, stealing books, getting the shit kicked in college fights, getting French blow jobs, learning to pick up american girls in parties, getting rejected for the corniest pick-up lines, coke sniffing, sleeping with people whom I should never had, skydiving, changing lifestyles, burning thrash cans and starting a journal that chronicled those monumental moments in words.
If only I had remember half the things when I was intoxicated.
Perhaps I did change. For the better or the worse. Whichever way that I go in life, all these experience will always be an integral part of me that make me into the Man that I am today and whom I will be in the future. It has indeed been a sweet journey of soul searching. I have learnt alot about myself and how to deal with others from different backgrounds and lifestyles. Being alone in a land 10,000 miles away from everything that I had known for my entire life was initially frightful but I eventually came to love and embrace the opportunities that came along with it. Everything will fall in place with an open and non-judgemental mind.
At first, there was no direction. No signs of life. No one to turn to. Now everything seems charted out with my bare hands. As always I eventually found my purpose. In this respect, I never really did change. I always have an aim in life. I know where I wanted to go and I eventually found my way there. That is just how I live my life. I am a control freak. I need to see directions in life or I have to go out looking for one. I am constantly on the move. Constantly questioning the meaning of my life, constantly charting my course. I need to be some where. I need to be doing something. And everything has to fall into place, or else I will make sure they do. That is the control freak that is me. Everything has to be predictable, but then some asked- where is the Excitement? My end has to be predictable but my journey needs not.
I never had a navigator to look up to, which is part of the reason I always believe that I am always in the right track because from history, I never would have been where I am if I had not trusted my decisions and integrity. I will change or compromise my way of life if the need was proven convincingly, beyond shadows of doubt, by individuals whom I have respect for. I do not take heed of any advices from people who in my eyes are lesser individuals who have not even gotten their shit figured out. A very good indicator of such individuals would be rich kids. Yes, I have an inherent detestation for this group of exceptional individuals. Perhaps out of envy that they think they can do anything with their parents' gold vault, but more out of acute dissapointment that it is these people who will be wasting their lives away. A perfect description of rich kid behaviors would be shortsightedness. Rich kids never have to work for anything to get what they want. Everything has been easy in life. Even if it hadn't, they made it seem it had been Armageddon. "Oh, I didn't have any money- I am going to die!or die whining" They never learn to take the effort to see beyond the nature of things, maybe they think they did but they never really. Everything just simply breaks down to 1+ 1 = 2, no question about the significance of equation or the elements involved in the equations or how everything fell in place to make that equation. Alas, I misused my analogy. Funny how it is this group of kids who have the most problems with the way I live my life, but could never place their take with proper justification. I apologize for brushing all your Louis Vuitton-endorsed comments but I just could not bring myself to pay attention to confused rich kids.
Arrogant? Egoistic? Cocky? Tell me something new.
Pardon me, but those are just my senseless judgement which should not even have been mentioned. An over-generalization. I still hold that one should never pass any judgement on anyone because it is then that one take stand upon a non-existent higher ground of perfection that accord one the rights to judge another. When one takes that higher ground, he has not only to answer for the other's infirmities but also of his because the burden is on him to prove that he has the right of judgement by the virtue of a superior life. I am an imbecile and it was my mistake to judge. Pardon me.
I am very comfortable with where I am at this point of my life. I feel at peace with myself and those around me. I have learnt and experienced so much from this country, I am at the point of reflection. Everything is slowly falling into place and making sense. My point of awakening was when I had to dumpster dive for food and live like a hobo by Choice. My train hopping experience really opened my eyes. I have seen so much diversity in lifestyle that I am able to see past the infirmities of any. Everyone is equal and should be respected as such.
Before I always thought that I am the best there ever was and will be. And I still do. What did change is the fact that I see being the best does not give one any exclusive rights over anyone, rather it is an obligation to lend everyone a helping hand, not because you think you are better than them but because there is a chance to help and by helping it will make situations better for both parties. A hard concept to comprehend and embrace but ties in neatly with not being judgemental on others and a more purposeful life thereafter.
I am definitely more matured and brim with self-confidence in life. I know what I want and I will go all out to get it because I know I am able to achieve anything that I set my mind unto. It is the whole episode of high school teenage invincibility revisited. This episode is a replay of a remake. Some things never change.
As much as I have changed, I still believe that what my buddy Bong said was true. I am still the same self 2 years ago but personified from another perspective, dimensions. Same ideals. Different approach. Everything in totality.
Someone once told me that an introvert is often mistaken as a quiet, shy, inward individual who always keeps things to himself. A better representation of an introvert however, according to him, is an individual who 'recharges' by spending time to himself, away from company. An extrovert is a person who gets his energy by being around people.
Most of my buddies would opine to the contrary, but personally I believe I am very much an introvert. I love to party and do crazy shit around crazy people. I love crowds and I am most happy when it comes to meeting new faces. However much I love hanging out, social activities actually do put a toll on me. I would feel very strained from all the constant smiling, talking, and sometimes god forbids, even sick of all the drinking and merry making. As much as I want to avoid hanging out, it is just inevitable- booty calls just keep my cellphone flashing all the damn time; what is worse is that I am not a person who would say no when it comes to party invites. I just hate to dissapoint but I am learning to reject party invites.
The best time way to unwind for me would be time spent alone in my room, with my iTunes pumped up to some good ole' Yeah Yeah Yeahs or some melancholic emo tunes of Feist/Mandalay; door closed, scented aromatheraphy candles all lit up, soothing yellow light lit down, a bottle of Vodka + OJ with me either reading a good book on world politics/history or just doing some blogging to pen my thoughts of the moment down.
Su Yin is right, as the stupid girl always is. I will always have my crazy memories of America with me, but it is the point in time when I chronicled the events here that is precious. The words that I would use to describe events would never be the same as those that I would choose should I want to relate those events years later.
*************************************************
Every once in a while, I get kids coming up to me singing unwarranted praises of the way I live my life here in the US. Malaysian and American kids alike.
The usual rants from Malaysian kids would sound "Kit, you are so fortunate to be able to be in the States. Sigh. I wish I was you partying away. Sigh. I have never been out of the country and I don't know if I ever will. Sigh."
The Americans would say "Dude, you're totally rad. I look up to you dude, I am an American, this is my country, but you have done more shit than I have ever done or probably would ever do. Way to live it up, boy"
If only the book looks as good as the story within. If only the person is always as crazy as the life he lives.
I never had a older sibling when I grew up. I wish I had a big brother who would point me in the right direction but I didn't. I wish I had someone who would fuck up before me and then tell me why I should not fuck up the same way he did. My entire life was charted by myself. I went wherever I wanted to go. I did whatever that I wanted to do. I made my own decision and I lived with the consequences that follows. My parents was never there to provide any support besides those on monetary basis which lasted till I turn 19. Don't get me wrong, I love my folks. Some times I just wish that I have some one to look up to. Some one who can be my role model that would provide me with some sense of directions.
I am sick and tired of being my own navigator. I am sick and tired of being anyone's misguided role model, except for my brothers because it they are my utmost responsibility and if anyone was to fuck up- it better be the strongest of the lot.
I am Me. I am an distinct Individual. I do not live my life as according to the dictation or expectation of whomsoever. I am not your poster boy of American Liberty personified in a Malaysian shell. I am living it up because I want to. I am an opportunist. When I see an opportunity, I grab it and never let go. That is basically the reason why I never pass up any chances to do anything crazy. I only have one life to live. I am going to push things into overdrive while I still have the opportunity to do so. Life is only limited by death, and if I die doing so, let it be remembered that I died living.
Do not ever come up to my face and tell me that I am lucky because I get to do the shit that I did. First rule in my life: Never believe in Externalities. I have only myself, thus I am only accountable to myself and that is who will matter in the end. Whatever opportunities that I have, I earned it thru my merits. I get to be in the States because I saw an opportunity that presented herself in the form of an exchange student program. I kicked 29,000 other Malaysian asses to get the spot that I rightfully deserved. There was no luck involved. Only an uncanny ability to present myself as the most deserving candidate to be selected for the program in rounds of interviews and an academic resume submission. Anyone can do that and be where I am at right now. But don't tell me that if was by some miraculous stroke of luck that I am where I am today. Blame it on your shortsightedness and unresourcefulness but do not even insinuate incompetency on my part.
Living it up is what I have learnt from Americans. I am utterly as impressed with all of you as you are with my antics. America to me, is Not a country. It is an ideal. An ideal of freedom that I have been searching for my entire life. I am free to do whatever that I want, to explore and draw my own boundaries, free from any judgement, free from any biasness, free from religion, free from tradition and cultures. I love this ideal. I am not your tradtion. I am not your asian values. I am not your child of god. I am not how society wants me to dress, talk or behave appropriately. I am not society's expecations. I am Me. I feel like a child again, learning to walk and run in this vast field, free as a bird, I am free to go anywhere. Like I have mentioned, I am an opportunist. You only need to show me a tiny hole in the wall, and I will bring down the whole building. That was what America gave me; Freedom and I can't do anything but to do Everything that I can to constantly push my limits of experience in search of a truly open mind. I am living it up because there is no other way I can go about this life that you have given me. I can only chase after the end of the horizon with the heart and steed of an untamed stallion.
Things have indeed changed alot. I feel a part of me is slowly calming down as I prepare to leave. Everything in the past 2 years has been almost surreal to me. It was like watching something straight out of a Hollywood flick about a college kid trying to reinvent and rediscover himself.
Drunken college life, mad assignment scrambles, recreational drug abuse, impressive professors-can-kiss-my-ass grades, cross country travelling, rock show rock-outs, hitch-hiking, constant new faces, a USARMY job, meeting rockstars, getting mugged at Compton, LA, occasional fucks which could have been more often, worrying 'bout how to last the month with 20 bucks, train-hopping, eating out of the dumpsters, living like a hobo in the east coast, running away from cops, getting arrested by cops, stealing books, getting the shit kicked in college fights, getting French blow jobs, learning to pick up american girls in parties, getting rejected for the corniest pick-up lines, coke sniffing, sleeping with people whom I should never had, skydiving, changing lifestyles, burning thrash cans and starting a journal that chronicled those monumental moments in words.
If only I had remember half the things when I was intoxicated.
Perhaps I did change. For the better or the worse. Whichever way that I go in life, all these experience will always be an integral part of me that make me into the Man that I am today and whom I will be in the future. It has indeed been a sweet journey of soul searching. I have learnt alot about myself and how to deal with others from different backgrounds and lifestyles. Being alone in a land 10,000 miles away from everything that I had known for my entire life was initially frightful but I eventually came to love and embrace the opportunities that came along with it. Everything will fall in place with an open and non-judgemental mind.
At first, there was no direction. No signs of life. No one to turn to. Now everything seems charted out with my bare hands. As always I eventually found my purpose. In this respect, I never really did change. I always have an aim in life. I know where I wanted to go and I eventually found my way there. That is just how I live my life. I am a control freak. I need to see directions in life or I have to go out looking for one. I am constantly on the move. Constantly questioning the meaning of my life, constantly charting my course. I need to be some where. I need to be doing something. And everything has to fall into place, or else I will make sure they do. That is the control freak that is me. Everything has to be predictable, but then some asked- where is the Excitement? My end has to be predictable but my journey needs not.
I never had a navigator to look up to, which is part of the reason I always believe that I am always in the right track because from history, I never would have been where I am if I had not trusted my decisions and integrity. I will change or compromise my way of life if the need was proven convincingly, beyond shadows of doubt, by individuals whom I have respect for. I do not take heed of any advices from people who in my eyes are lesser individuals who have not even gotten their shit figured out. A very good indicator of such individuals would be rich kids. Yes, I have an inherent detestation for this group of exceptional individuals. Perhaps out of envy that they think they can do anything with their parents' gold vault, but more out of acute dissapointment that it is these people who will be wasting their lives away. A perfect description of rich kid behaviors would be shortsightedness. Rich kids never have to work for anything to get what they want. Everything has been easy in life. Even if it hadn't, they made it seem it had been Armageddon. "Oh, I didn't have any money- I am going to die!or die whining" They never learn to take the effort to see beyond the nature of things, maybe they think they did but they never really. Everything just simply breaks down to 1+ 1 = 2, no question about the significance of equation or the elements involved in the equations or how everything fell in place to make that equation. Alas, I misused my analogy. Funny how it is this group of kids who have the most problems with the way I live my life, but could never place their take with proper justification. I apologize for brushing all your Louis Vuitton-endorsed comments but I just could not bring myself to pay attention to confused rich kids.
Arrogant? Egoistic? Cocky? Tell me something new.
Pardon me, but those are just my senseless judgement which should not even have been mentioned. An over-generalization. I still hold that one should never pass any judgement on anyone because it is then that one take stand upon a non-existent higher ground of perfection that accord one the rights to judge another. When one takes that higher ground, he has not only to answer for the other's infirmities but also of his because the burden is on him to prove that he has the right of judgement by the virtue of a superior life. I am an imbecile and it was my mistake to judge. Pardon me.
I am very comfortable with where I am at this point of my life. I feel at peace with myself and those around me. I have learnt and experienced so much from this country, I am at the point of reflection. Everything is slowly falling into place and making sense. My point of awakening was when I had to dumpster dive for food and live like a hobo by Choice. My train hopping experience really opened my eyes. I have seen so much diversity in lifestyle that I am able to see past the infirmities of any. Everyone is equal and should be respected as such.
Before I always thought that I am the best there ever was and will be. And I still do. What did change is the fact that I see being the best does not give one any exclusive rights over anyone, rather it is an obligation to lend everyone a helping hand, not because you think you are better than them but because there is a chance to help and by helping it will make situations better for both parties. A hard concept to comprehend and embrace but ties in neatly with not being judgemental on others and a more purposeful life thereafter.
I am definitely more matured and brim with self-confidence in life. I know what I want and I will go all out to get it because I know I am able to achieve anything that I set my mind unto. It is the whole episode of high school teenage invincibility revisited. This episode is a replay of a remake. Some things never change.
As much as I have changed, I still believe that what my buddy Bong said was true. I am still the same self 2 years ago but personified from another perspective, dimensions. Same ideals. Different approach. Everything in totality.
2 Comments:
"Lucky you."
Those words were often said to me, but I never knew how to respond to them. Usually, I'll just smile and look away and change the subject, as if I'm embarrassed by them pointing it out. Maybe I am.
thank you. for this post. made me see i'm not alone in this quest for eternal glory. i've miles ahead of me yet. but i'm glad of those who are willing to share with others what they have gone through. with hope royals sarawak here i come!
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