a love from outer space
Nothing has been packed for my jet flight to Borneo in 7 hours. Nothing new there.
It is the National Geek Championship.
And all I want to do is to argue the fuck out with everyone. Winning does not matter. It should not matter. My priority has been blurred by the false impression of winning.
The most important thing is that I have fun in having good debates. Come what come may, I hope to perform my best because debating is my life, as I am both proud and sad to admit.
She called earlier to wish me luck, after two months into our undeclared sudden cease of communication. The underlining point being- she remembered, which means I am still of some degree of significance to her, as much as she has always been to me.
If only I had the time and will for a proper girlfriend, I would go out with her. But that is not an issue is it?
It has always been all about me, myself and my stupid debates.
And rightfully so.
Let go of it all, For she would break my fall.
**********************************************
Both Vick and Vicki packed me some good ole' fat joints before I left the city. They know I needed it to curb the stress problem. Eugene said I am a workaholic, that I would agree to a certain degree. I always need something to do. Unless you give me a joint and some good house music.
And I am gonna smoke that shit up before I reach the airport.
**********************************************
Recreational substance abuse is a thing of the past. I am sick and tired of it all. Alcohol? Fuck it. Weed? Fuck it.
Some people just have to understand that I tend to get touchey-feeley when I am intoxicated and not take that as some distorted hints at any sexual possibilities. When I talk while holding any part of your body sans T&A in the midst of my inebriety, that can and only mean I am comfortable with you. When I put my arms around you or hug you, that means we are buddies. As long as I don't reach out for your tits and ass, do not reciprocate my platonic physical intimacy with unwarranted sexual attentions, regardless of how hot you are because your skankiness reflects mine.
That in literal term means, Never give me a fuckin' hickey on the most obvious places when I am drunk if I do not belong to you- because my woman can be very territorial at times. Not to mention that I am disgusted by it everytime I look at myself in the mirror. Bitch.
posted by Kit
10:24 AM
sunset and soon forgotten
Debate debate debate debate debate debate debate debate debate debate debate debate debate
Royals Royals Royals Royals Royals Royals Royals Royals Royals Royals Royals Royals Royals
Worlds Worlds Worlds Worlds Worlds Worlds Worlds Worlds Worlds Worlds Worlds Worlds
Sudan Darfur APEC Thaksin Nepal Maoist King Gyanendra Democrats GOP Japan UNSC P5 Israel Palestin Hamas Hizbullah NATO Kyoto Protocol North Korea Kim Jong-Il Guantanamo Bay ASEAN Doha NRA European Union Saddam Hussein Embryonic Stem Cells Ahmadinejad Kosovo France Labor Union CPE David Cameron Joseph Stiglitz Pfizer China Politburo Hu Jin Tao Shinzo Abe Chen Sui-bien Algeria Bulgaria Romania Proton Volkswagon Air Asia MAS IPCMC Las Vegas Macao Britain FTA WTO Nancy Pelosi PLO Gaza Daniel Ortega Gordon Brown Lebanon India Gaz de France Suez Mittal Steel Mumbai Pakistan Madrasses Economic Nationalism Immigration Soft Paternalism Indonesian Refugees and the heart & will to win.
posted by Kit
12:07 PM
exploration of spaces in between us
Azlan is the son of the richest and most influential man whom I personally know. But that was never the reason for me to hang out with that kid.
I hang out with him because he is my friend.
It's funny how much things changed since high school. Given a choice, I would not think twice to step into a time machine and revert times back to my high school years, just for one day. I don't want to live long in that period because I am very happy with the way things had worked out for me thus far in life and sincerely think that life could not have been better. Well, on the other hand I could always spend four years instead of two in the States or have a larger penis of a horse, but nothing really that I can't live without.
Those days in school uniform were one of the best times of my life. We called ourselves "KBC", short for the Kok Boyz Clan. Talking 'kok' or utter useless nonsense was our forte. No one could beat the retard-ness of the shit we could come out with.
I was codenamed Face a.k.a. Kok-One, the de factor leader of the clan that gave me the magical talent to sing like Babyface, hence the monicker "Face", Jason was Kok-Two a.ka. Uncle Leow, the oldest looking dude among us eventhough he was a December baby, possesses an ultimate cutting-edge instinct in stupid humor technology, Eu Keong was Y.A.B.I.R., short for Yang Amat Berhormat I.R. (for engineer) and also the Minister of Transport 'cos he was the only dude who drives in high school. He was the dumbest dick I've ever met in my life. Once he watched a National Day parade on telly and the King was in his usual car procession waving to everyone; YABIR saw his lifetime destiny right there- to be the King of this country 'cos the only thing you've gotta do is to wave to the people once a year and live in luxury till you die. Awesome. Azlan has always been known as Super Kadir, 'cos his dad is Datuk Kadir- one of the main men in our local media. Since we can't possibly be calling Azlan his dad's name when his dad is around us, so we decided to call him Super Kad just to confuse his dad. I will never forget the day when his dad, who was also the smartest man I know when I was 15, walked in on us as the four of us idiots were playing PS 1 (old skool, baby) for like two days without sleeping and eating all the god-damned food he had in his house and he was like "These video games are denigrating you kids' priorities in life" We promptly proceeded to turned off our Playstation console and went to bed for the next 10 hours; none of us knew the meaning of "denigrating" at that time, we figured it was strategic for us to just shut up and take the hint if we ever wanted to hang out at his place again.
There is always free food in Azlan's place. We were Lords of Golf-Town, Tropicana. Whenever we wanna get together we would call our meeting as "U-N-I-T-E". It wasn't an acronym at all. We just made it to be one 'cos we mostly speak in acronyms. Like how when we see our Fat Ass Bitch arts teacher walked by, we would callout F.A.B. to her face and she wouldn't even know it. We refered to women's boobs as Talent, her ass as her Personality and how good her face look as Character. Now, we could be checking out all the girls in town and they would all be thinking that we were talking about their inner beauty. That was nothing short of Brilliant. U.P.O.S. means Ugly Piece of Shit which we used to refer to Azlan's beautiful god sister from hell. We filmed our very own Blairwitch Project at home that was fuckin' scary. When you are high. We downloaded shitload of porno onto Azlan's dad's pc and took turns to watch 'em. We bought porn VCDs at Uptown and made good friends with the porn peddler who always recommended Vivid Productions. We would always drive to Kimberly's place eventhough it was wholly fuckin' unneccessary because she was always not home, but hey, high school ain't complete if you don't stalk a hot model chic studying in the next school, living next door. We almost had a successful rockband that sold 50 platinums if only I played the drums good, I sucked cos I was busy checking on the porno downloads most of the time when the whole band jammed. Somehow, we always had things to do when we were kids. We would just fuckin' hang out the whole fuckin' day away. Especially when it was after our exams. I would never go home after my last paper, my bags would be packed with clothes and we will be off to Tropicana or Bandar Utama or somewhere with the Clan after school. Our days would be spent just hanging out, poking each other with a stick from the backyard or just playing with the guitar and it would be fun, regardless.
Those were the days of being a stupid kid.
I wish I was 15 again. For just one more day. I wish I hadn't study so hard and gotten all those useless damn straight A's and spent more time hanging out. But I am not complaining. Being a geek had been good.
I am just nostalgic everytime when I hang out with my high school friends. KBC has been officially defunct. It suffered a good slow death like most great establishments of significance. Uncle Leow's waiting to get his Australian permanent residency. Yabir broke up with his long-time girlfriend and did not even tell anyone of us. Azlan's dating Shannon for three years and I haven't even met her, safe that time before I had left for the States. And I feel akward whenever I hang out with my high school mates. I try to brush it aside, but it is true that if you don't keep in touch, you lose touch with your friends. Sounds stupid but it is true.
We had us a really good conversation tonite, between Azlan and I over post-dinner cigarettes. In between, Shannon called from Southern Queensland and Super Kad passed the phone over to me. In between our small talks, she slipped a hint about how Azlan would get all emo whenever I don't call him up or keep in touch. That shit just woke me up. I mean, these are my friends. They care about me. I better do something to keep them all close. All in all, we talked about everything, Man-O-Man-O, if I got it right. His job, my university, his girlfriend, my indifference towards love, my debate, his beliefs in multi-level marketing, my American college, his Iowa town, my brother, his dad.
In between it all, Azlan broke it to me that he always thought that I was always the one kid with the most prospects in life that he had ever known. With all modesty, that did not come as a suprise for that was not the first time someone said that to me. I always believe that I am destined for something great. I was wrought throughout the years to personify greatness. But all those are just prep talks if there is not effort on my part. I know if I put my mind onto something, I will make things happen, no matter how hard it is.
Everyone has gotta understand that I am just pretending like everyone else to know the direction of my life. Maybe I don't reveal it as much, but I am indeed lost.
But disregarding that, I know I am looking for that Numero Uno spot in all that I do in life.
I aspire to be First in All. For the geek shall inherit the earth, they say.
posted by Kit
10:17 AM
twenty two fourteen
An evening at the funfair with someone else would have been a much better way to spend my time, but I wouldn't trade my night with my buddy for any other time in the world either.
I love fun fairs and the deepest of my love is found on the magical ferris wheel that goes round and round, all lit up in her glitz and cyclical splendours. If the fair has a life of her own as how I would always imagine it to, I am sure the Ferris wheel would be the envy of all other rides. She is just so pretty although at times could be a tad little destitutional.
That is how I imagine myself to be. A ferris wheel. My entire being is just revolving along a central axis to or against my whims and fancy. Whether I like it or not. Just moving along. Appearing splendid to some, to the satisfaction and expectations of many, sad and lonely to myself.
Me and her. We are the ultimate partners in crime. And I've only known her since I return home. How fast things change and turn; it is amazing how comfortable we've become in each other's company.
Obviously my dopamine reactor is still retardated by the Tetrahydrylcannaboid compound introduced into my system in gaseous form merely a good half hour ago.
"One for the road", she jested before throwing into my path her usual warm embrace as I headed out of her room.
We blazed a pound of spliffs tonight. The most that I could recall since we started toking together. Ever since we started sharing the peace pipe of love, you know what I mean? While layan-ing to the thumping beats of Steve Lawler, Eddie Halliwell, Ferry Corsten and Tiga. It was a trip, alright.
We just laid on her bed, looking at the imaginary thick swirl of hot smoke of burnt marijuana circling the room. Everything in silence. Everything felt like Jamaica. There was just me, her and the feeling that we were on our way.
Before she broke into her usual bout of conversation of her life story that I do not mind listening to on the 54th rerun, when I am intoxicated. The chat routine would involve us breaking into fits of laughters at the most morbid of things like the incident of how she saw two of her friends got run over by a truck or looked at each other in playful paranoia when we pretended to realize that their deaths could be due to supernatural circumstances. Like they had to die, so that we could learn how to live. Those sorta karmic bullshit about life.
In the midst of it all, I reached my hand out to hers.
It was nothing really. I just needed the physical contact. And it was not long after that I found myself naturally cuddled up to her, arms wrapped around her well-toned waist. Damn bitch must have been working out pretty hard at the gym. She understood my intentions. She knew that I was not there for some sleazy ass advantage taking, if I needed anything sexual, I didn't have to hang out with her.
That was the kind of relationship we have. We have talked over it many a times. I could do without any extra commitments presently and she didn't need a man to be around her. We are just friends. With No benefits.
In the dead of times, it is amazing to have a woman whom I could turn to. I don't tell anyone my problems. I listen to a million people tell me theirs, but I do not go around spinning my dirty linens in any hope for affirmation or solution to my predicaments from anyone. It is just the way I function. I just figure my shit out. But sometimes the burden does get too heavy and that is when I would hide in my dark little corner and wait for someone to hold me until I could stand for myself when the time comes.
She provided just that tonight and every other nite when I am not doing any good in life. I am proud that I could also be that person whom she turns to when she is facing shit. She is my friend. And I love her because she is the craziest bitch in town who would smoke weed with me in the middle of a working week all within the logical emotional purview that she loves me too.
And you can't go back nor come back when there is no one watching. It is all suddenly strange. It is such a silly thing.
posted by Kit
1:12 PM
a tourist with no story, lost in this purgatory
tanpa ku nyatakan segala rahsia jiwa hanya untuk muhanya kaulah yang satu bagi kuhanya engkau yang memahami diri ku dulu kini pasti ku bersaksidan hanya untuk mu dulu kini dan selamanyatanpa ku berjati setiatiada lagi rasa sunyi sepikerana kini ku tahu kau sentiasa di sisitiada lagi rasa sunyi sepikerana kini ku tahu ku milik muSirna segala rasa gelisahpasti hari kan cerah kembali pastidan Sirna segala rasa yang ada sedalam resah jiwa luka sekian kali nyatak teroba rindu ku kini pasti
tanpa ku nyatakan segala rahsia jiwahanya untuk muhanya kaulah yang satu bagiku
***********************************
I dread twilight showers and the spine-chilling cold that lingers after a rain. The cold air inevitably makes me want to snuggle up to someone, Dear who could afford me a few precious moments when all my infirmities in the world would mean nothing. Someone Who, in all irony- is not around. For what is a downpour but an autumn of a thousand million crystalline reflections falling carelessly thru the open sky, each inconspicuously carrying a vision of the heavens that all men seek but fail to even witness a glimpse?We are just that silly, aren't we? Men, since that fateful day when Icarus got his wings, has envisioned flight to be amongst the angels of heavens; Not realizing that earth is a reflection of heaven as each rain droplet reveals her secret snapshots from the above when they break upon hitting our grounds. Raindrops are but broken mirrors of the gods. Many times, we do not realize that we already have the best in our possession. So, believing that there is a larger, better world out there- we would set out seeking for something more that could never be found. And be left with an empty hand as we stand alone in reflection of our thousand broken rain by that little dark corner of a cold, pouring early morning in loveless Moscow. Would you grab my hands and trust in my imperfections?Perhaps not everthing is in black and white. Perhaps these gray skies that herald another downpour would stand sentinel and watch over her heart as the rest of the world falls apart.
posted by Kit
9:44 AM
when everybody else refrained, my uncle johnny did cocaine
At long last, some personal time for myself. Some quality time to just kick back and do some actual writing.Someone once told me that an introvert is often mistaken as a quiet, shy, inward individual who always keeps things to himself. A better representation of an introvert however, according to him, is an individual who 'recharges' by spending time to himself, away from company. An extrovert is a person who gets his energy by being around people.Most of my buddies would opine to the contrary, but personally I believe I am very much an introvert. I love to party and do crazy shit around crazy people. I love crowds and I am most happy when it comes to meeting new faces. However much I love hanging out, social activities actually do put a toll on me. I would feel very strained from all the constant smiling, talking, and sometimes god forbids, even sick of all the drinking and merry making. As much as I want to avoid hanging out, it is just inevitable- booty calls just keep my cellphone flashing all the damn time; what is worse is that I am not a person who would say no when it comes to party invites. I just hate to dissapoint but I am learning to reject party invites.The best time way to unwind for me would be time spent alone in my room, with my iTunes pumped up to some good ole' Yeah Yeah Yeahs or some melancholic emo tunes of Feist/Mandalay; door closed, scented aromatheraphy candles all lit up, soothing yellow light lit down, a bottle of Vodka + OJ with me either reading a good book on world politics/history or just doing some blogging to pen my thoughts of the moment down.Su Yin is right, as the stupid girl always is. I will always have my crazy memories of America with me, but it is the point in time when I chronicled the events here that is precious. The words that I would use to describe events would never be the same as those that I would choose should I want to relate those events years later.*************************************************Every once in a while, I get kids coming up to me singing unwarranted praises of the way I live my life here in the US. Malaysian and American kids alike.The usual rants from Malaysian kids would sound "Kit, you are so fortunate to be able to be in the States. Sigh. I wish I was you partying away. Sigh. I have never been out of the country and I don't know if I ever will. Sigh."The Americans would say "Dude, you're totally rad. I look up to you dude, I am an American, this is my country, but you have done more shit than I have ever done or probably would ever do. Way to live it up, boy"If only the book looks as good as the story within. If only the person is always as crazy as the life he lives.I never had a older sibling when I grew up. I wish I had a big brother who would point me in the right direction but I didn't. I wish I had someone who would fuck up before me and then tell me why I should not fuck up the same way he did. My entire life was charted by myself. I went wherever I wanted to go. I did whatever that I wanted to do. I made my own decision and I lived with the consequences that follows. My parents was never there to provide any support besides those on monetary basis which lasted till I turn 19. Don't get me wrong, I love my folks. Some times I just wish that I have some one to look up to. Some one who can be my role model that would provide me with some sense of directions.I am sick and tired of being my own navigator. I am sick and tired of being anyone's misguided role model, except for my brothers because it they are my utmost responsibility and if anyone was to fuck up- it better be the strongest of the lot.I am Me. I am an distinct Individual. I do not live my life as according to the dictation or expectation of whomsoever. I am not your poster boy of American Liberty personified in a Malaysian shell. I am living it up because I want to. I am an opportunist. When I see an opportunity, I grab it and never let go. That is basically the reason why I never pass up any chances to do anything crazy. I only have one life to live. I am going to push things into overdrive while I still have the opportunity to do so. Life is only limited by death, and if I die doing so, let it be remembered that I died living.Do not ever come up to my face and tell me that I am lucky because I get to do the shit that I did. First rule in my life: Never believe in Externalities. I have only myself, thus I am only accountable to myself and that is who will matter in the end. Whatever opportunities that I have, I earned it thru my merits. I get to be in the States because I saw an opportunity that presented herself in the form of an exchange student program. I kicked 29,000 other Malaysian asses to get the spot that I rightfully deserved. There was no luck involved. Only an uncanny ability to present myself as the most deserving candidate to be selected for the program in rounds of interviews and an academic resume submission. Anyone can do that and be where I am at right now. But don't tell me that if was by some miraculous stroke of luck that I am where I am today. Blame it on your shortsightedness and unresourcefulness but do not even insinuate incompetency on my part.Living it up is what I have learnt from Americans. I am utterly as impressed with all of you as you are with my antics. America to me, is Not a country. It is an ideal. An ideal of freedom that I have been searching for my entire life. I am free to do whatever that I want, to explore and draw my own boundaries, free from any judgement, free from any biasness, free from religion, free from tradition and cultures. I love this ideal. I am not your tradtion. I am not your asian values. I am not your child of god. I am not how society wants me to dress, talk or behave appropriately. I am not society's expecations. I am Me. I feel like a child again, learning to walk and run in this vast field, free as a bird, I am free to go anywhere. Like I have mentioned, I am an opportunist. You only need to show me a tiny hole in the wall, and I will bring down the whole building. That was what America gave me; Freedom and I can't do anything but to do Everything that I can to constantly push my limits of experience in search of a truly open mind. I am living it up because there is no other way I can go about this life that you have given me. I can only chase after the end of the horizon with the heart and steed of an untamed stallion.Things have indeed changed alot. I feel a part of me is slowly calming down as I prepare to leave. Everything in the past 2 years has been almost surreal to me. It was like watching something straight out of a Hollywood flick about a college kid trying to reinvent and rediscover himself.Drunken college life, mad assignment scrambles, recreational drug abuse, impressive professors-can-kiss-my-ass grades, cross country travelling, rock show rock-outs, hitch-hiking, constant new faces, a USARMY job, meeting rockstars, getting mugged at Compton, LA, occasional fucks which could have been more often, worrying 'bout how to last the month with 20 bucks, train-hopping, eating out of the dumpsters, living like a hobo in the east coast, running away from cops, getting arrested by cops, stealing books, getting the shit kicked in college fights, getting French blow jobs, learning to pick up american girls in parties, getting rejected for the corniest pick-up lines, coke sniffing, sleeping with people whom I should never had, skydiving, changing lifestyles, burning thrash cans and starting a journal that chronicled those monumental moments in words.If only I had remember half the things when I was intoxicated.Perhaps I did change. For the better or the worse. Whichever way that I go in life, all these experience will always be an integral part of me that make me into the Man that I am today and whom I will be in the future. It has indeed been a sweet journey of soul searching. I have learnt alot about myself and how to deal with others from different backgrounds and lifestyles. Being alone in a land 10,000 miles away from everything that I had known for my entire life was initially frightful but I eventually came to love and embrace the opportunities that came along with it. Everything will fall in place with an open and non-judgemental mind.At first, there was no direction. No signs of life. No one to turn to. Now everything seems charted out with my bare hands. As always I eventually found my purpose. In this respect, I never really did change. I always have an aim in life. I know where I wanted to go and I eventually found my way there. That is just how I live my life. I am a control freak. I need to see directions in life or I have to go out looking for one. I am constantly on the move. Constantly questioning the meaning of my life, constantly charting my course. I need to be some where. I need to be doing something. And everything has to fall into place, or else I will make sure they do. That is the control freak that is me. Everything has to be predictable, but then some asked- where is the Excitement? My end has to be predictable but my journey needs not.I never had a navigator to look up to, which is part of the reason I always believe that I am always in the right track because from history, I never would have been where I am if I had not trusted my decisions and integrity. I will change or compromise my way of life if the need was proven convincingly, beyond shadows of doubt, by individuals whom I have respect for. I do not take heed of any advices from people who in my eyes are lesser individuals who have not even gotten their shit figured out. A very good indicator of such individuals would be rich kids. Yes, I have an inherent detestation for this group of exceptional individuals. Perhaps out of envy that they think they can do anything with their parents' gold vault, but more out of acute dissapointment that it is these people who will be wasting their lives away. A perfect description of rich kid behaviors would be shortsightedness. Rich kids never have to work for anything to get what they want. Everything has been easy in life. Even if it hadn't, they made it seem it had been Armageddon. "Oh, I didn't have any money- I am going to die!or die whining" They never learn to take the effort to see beyond the nature of things, maybe they think they did but they never really. Everything just simply breaks down to 1+ 1 = 2, no question about the significance of equation or the elements involved in the equations or how everything fell in place to make that equation. Alas, I misused my analogy. Funny how it is this group of kids who have the most problems with the way I live my life, but could never place their take with proper justification. I apologize for brushing all your Louis Vuitton-endorsed comments but I just could not bring myself to pay attention to confused rich kids.Arrogant? Egoistic? Cocky? Tell me something new.Pardon me, but those are just my senseless judgement which should not even have been mentioned. An over-generalization. I still hold that one should never pass any judgement on anyone because it is then that one take stand upon a non-existent higher ground of perfection that accord one the rights to judge another. When one takes that higher ground, he has not only to answer for the other's infirmities but also of his because the burden is on him to prove that he has the right of judgement by the virtue of a superior life. I am an imbecile and it was my mistake to judge. Pardon me.I am very comfortable with where I am at this point of my life. I feel at peace with myself and those around me. I have learnt and experienced so much from this country, I am at the point of reflection. Everything is slowly falling into place and making sense. My point of awakening was when I had to dumpster dive for food and live like a hobo by Choice. My train hopping experience really opened my eyes. I have seen so much diversity in lifestyle that I am able to see past the infirmities of any. Everyone is equal and should be respected as such.Before I always thought that I am the best there ever was and will be. And I still do. What did change is the fact that I see being the best does not give one any exclusive rights over anyone, rather it is an obligation to lend everyone a helping hand, not because you think you are better than them but because there is a chance to help and by helping it will make situations better for both parties. A hard concept to comprehend and embrace but ties in neatly with not being judgemental on others and a more purposeful life thereafter.I am definitely more matured and brim with self-confidence in life. I know what I want and I will go all out to get it because I know I am able to achieve anything that I set my mind unto. It is the whole episode of high school teenage invincibility revisited. This episode is a replay of a remake. Some things never change.As much as I have changed, I still believe that what my buddy Bong said was true. I am still the same self 2 years ago but personified from another perspective, dimensions. Same ideals. Different approach. Everything in totality.
posted by Kit
7:13 AM
