Emily finally wrote after a hiatus of all communications between us since before last Christmas. There was no apparent reason for us not to talk then, thus there was no need of a communique for us to resume communication as usual. Or so I thought, wrongly.
The email came with a large attachment that I could not download, the lyrics to a song that I presumed was the attachment and a short Happy Anniversary note.
Dimanakah cinta sejati
Yang memberi ketenangan hati
Sampai kapan ku harus menanti
Kau pergi dan mungkin takkan kembali
Dan aku menangis, dan aku terluka, Bila…
Dan aku menangis, dan aku terluka , Bila…
Engkau menghilang….
Kau pergi dariku, tinggalkanku
Lewati malam tanpa kasihmu
Ku rangkai kata, ku rangkai nada
Yang kuinginkan hanyalah cinta
Dan semua menghilang…
Semua karena cinta kumenangis
Semua karena cinta kutertawa
Semua karena cinta, Semua karena cinta
Yang kau tinggalkan hanyalah luka
Dan semua menghilang...
It must have taken a great deal of time and effort from an American-Chinese to translate an Indonesian song in a predominantly-white city void of people from that part of the world. Especially when her only Asian friend was a stupid Malaysian who is yours truly. All at a time when I was listening to Eason Chen's Today, Next Year, thinking of her. It was a sad corny day of un-love to be receiving an email from a lost love, I tell you.
Love is such an overused word. So overused. So under appreciated.
Last week was the first time we met at the plasma donation center, almost ten thousand miles away from here, some two years ago. As much as I do not allow myself to be one of those soft sentimental sad sods, I did not make it a point to remember that day but March 14th just came naturally to me. It was vivid in my mind and I could feel every moment of that half day we spent together- the cold Spring air, the wet roads from the melting snow, the eye contact, the fear of first words, the dinner at that Hong Kong restaurant, the akward conversation, the walk home, the Everything that felt like it was today, and the silly me who still hope that the day would not end because I had forgotten to get her number! And that secret burn in my heart, wishing that I had dared a kiss as we stood in face of each other at her doorstep before saying goodbye, and hello to a new chapter of us for the next few months that would linger lost like a ghoul ship that could not find her shores, for two years on.
But that day did end. And I did leave her.
I guess it was only fair that she had to remind me of that day with this song. Was I right, to leave? Back then, choice was not even a luxury. We were mere college kids. Now she's in Med school and I'll probably be slaving for a major oil conglomerate of the world in a matter of receiving my graduation scroll.
I have grown older, but none the wiser. But isn't that the thing about humans? We are always at a constant.
How is it that I find it easy to be in love with three women but virtually impossible to love only One of them? In present, choice is not a luxury that I would afford.
Angie, Emily, Corey. The drama never ends. And the funny thing is that I find it getting ever so easier to just dig a hole, push them all into that hole and cover it with my work. Yet, on the full 3 days when I fell sick from overworking, I just wished that any one of them would be there for me.
My heart is so confused. Yet unavailable. Every emotion seems to dissipate the moment I lay my hands on them. I blame this skewed fear to love on having to be the best-man to my best friend who will marry my ex-girlfriend who dumped me while I was in love with her in the US, before I had the chance to love any one of of them.
Alas, it is always easy to point fingers at other but yourself. Especially the middle one.
The truth is I am just a whiny-ass lil' fucker who is stuck in the past, can't be fucked with the present and too overwhelmed by the future.
The email came with a large attachment that I could not download, the lyrics to a song that I presumed was the attachment and a short Happy Anniversary note.
Dimanakah cinta sejati
Yang memberi ketenangan hati
Sampai kapan ku harus menanti
Kau pergi dan mungkin takkan kembali
Dan aku menangis, dan aku terluka, Bila…
Dan aku menangis, dan aku terluka , Bila…
Engkau menghilang….
Kau pergi dariku, tinggalkanku
Lewati malam tanpa kasihmu
Ku rangkai kata, ku rangkai nada
Yang kuinginkan hanyalah cinta
Dan semua menghilang…
Semua karena cinta kumenangis
Semua karena cinta kutertawa
Semua karena cinta, Semua karena cinta
Yang kau tinggalkan hanyalah luka
Dan semua menghilang...
It must have taken a great deal of time and effort from an American-Chinese to translate an Indonesian song in a predominantly-white city void of people from that part of the world. Especially when her only Asian friend was a stupid Malaysian who is yours truly. All at a time when I was listening to Eason Chen's Today, Next Year, thinking of her. It was a sad corny day of un-love to be receiving an email from a lost love, I tell you.
Love is such an overused word. So overused. So under appreciated.
Last week was the first time we met at the plasma donation center, almost ten thousand miles away from here, some two years ago. As much as I do not allow myself to be one of those soft sentimental sad sods, I did not make it a point to remember that day but March 14th just came naturally to me. It was vivid in my mind and I could feel every moment of that half day we spent together- the cold Spring air, the wet roads from the melting snow, the eye contact, the fear of first words, the dinner at that Hong Kong restaurant, the akward conversation, the walk home, the Everything that felt like it was today, and the silly me who still hope that the day would not end because I had forgotten to get her number! And that secret burn in my heart, wishing that I had dared a kiss as we stood in face of each other at her doorstep before saying goodbye, and hello to a new chapter of us for the next few months that would linger lost like a ghoul ship that could not find her shores, for two years on.
But that day did end. And I did leave her.
I guess it was only fair that she had to remind me of that day with this song. Was I right, to leave? Back then, choice was not even a luxury. We were mere college kids. Now she's in Med school and I'll probably be slaving for a major oil conglomerate of the world in a matter of receiving my graduation scroll.
I have grown older, but none the wiser. But isn't that the thing about humans? We are always at a constant.
How is it that I find it easy to be in love with three women but virtually impossible to love only One of them? In present, choice is not a luxury that I would afford.
Angie, Emily, Corey. The drama never ends. And the funny thing is that I find it getting ever so easier to just dig a hole, push them all into that hole and cover it with my work. Yet, on the full 3 days when I fell sick from overworking, I just wished that any one of them would be there for me.
My heart is so confused. Yet unavailable. Every emotion seems to dissipate the moment I lay my hands on them. I blame this skewed fear to love on having to be the best-man to my best friend who will marry my ex-girlfriend who dumped me while I was in love with her in the US, before I had the chance to love any one of of them.
Alas, it is always easy to point fingers at other but yourself. Especially the middle one.
The truth is I am just a whiny-ass lil' fucker who is stuck in the past, can't be fucked with the present and too overwhelmed by the future.
4 Comments:
You might as well be overwhelmed by today because today is simultaneously tomorrow and yesterday.
Live, Kit... live :)
-geek-a-tron-
to love..
most of the time your heart tries to find a suitable emotion to befit the situation but your body has memorize all the escape routes so well you forget how to stop and fully appreciate the moment. Learn to stop fearing and anticipating an end to the circumstances, people and environment. Enjoy the moment whilst it's still around and later look back in retrospect and smile..cause i'll always be here to laugh at or with you..
Dearest Sarah, from the depth of my heart, i sincerely just wanna let you know One thing:
SHUT UP LAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
is that why you called me twice today?
hahaha...
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