No man is an island. Or so they say.
Funny how all conversational engagements with people in my life will always take a turn back to the all-encompassing discussion in regard to matters of the heart, pertaining to love and relationships with that of the fairer, most wonderfully sweet gender.
Funny how I always discover the most about myself thru little discussions about love.
This time it was with Spit, my long time high school buddy.
People always ask why I am not going out with anyone. Obviously they overlook the health implications that I would be facing should I withdraw cold-turkey from my acute addiction to acts of physical self-gratification ie. Masturbation.
“But you are one of the most romantic person I know! My heart melts at the things that you did for her”
“You’re always looking for crazy shits to do. Girls dig crazy wild unpredictable guys to change/tame them for keeps”
“And you’re smart too”
“I like the driven, self-motivated side of you. I like you as an idealistic concept”
Those comments were as verbatim as I can remember them, and trust me for I had kept them playing in my head for a long time.
“So why don’t you want to date me, then?”
“I am intimidated by you”
“The romantic side of you is very tangible. If you strip romance, there is nothing underneath your love”
Nothing that I haven’t realized.
The truth is I believe that in contrary to what others tend to believe; in actuality, I have a very low self esteem. I have an insatiable feeling of inadequacy that on one hand it keeps me on my toes, constantly striving for more out of life- the other is actually strangling the life out of me slowly.
People think that I am just an immature irresponsible kid who does not want to be tied down to commitment because my life is all about one night fucks and fleeting mercurial romances.
In truth, I miss all my Emilys. I miss all my Coreys. I miss all my Tammys. With equal tenacity and passion but never fully in love.
I just could not bring myself to love wholeheartedly no longer. I am but a broken man who has been found, measured and found wanting for one too many times by all the wrong people. People who accused me of being an empty romantic without a soul whose love lies only in the recreation of a perfect wonderland that crumbles at first rumble, because apparently- I hath maketh no effort for something deeper.
And the stories run on similar plots every time. After we had cleared out things between us- the other party would admit that our fallout is due to their respective shortcomings, thus validating my beliefs that they were only choosing an easy way out and the easiest would be to look for faults in me.
For they say that vengeance belongs to the Lord- I say Fuck You. Let me burn in hell for I have undeservedly inflicted all the unjust pain that I had suffered while blinded by those who did not love me, upon others who loved me with all their hearts. Oh how wrong, how broken, how bleak was the angst that was pent up in the ugly me.
In time, to live in ignorance of love is to dwell in peace.
Until I met Emily. And then Corey.
They both showed me that I was worth all in life. I fell in love with them whom I believe to be god-sent.
That was my life. Those were my issues. In time past.
Carina asked me if I believed that I will ever find my true love. I brushed her aside by saying that I don’t really give a flying fuck about it.
To love someone with all our might, to be so consumed in love that we are willing to give and trust everything from our heart, life unto the other person, to wake up every morning next to her and remember that everything is worth fighting for her - is to truly fall in love. Anything lesser falls short and is nothing but just puppy loves that I so espouse.
I believe all of us have issues unresolved within ourselves. To even think of loving someone, we need to resolve them and be at peace within ourselves. We need to be able to accept ourselves before we expect others to do so. We need to be independent individuals before we can be dependent upon or be depended by someone else. People do not understand this, often rush head-on to relationships and end up being totally dependent onto the other person and when shit does not work out- they screamed in agony and threaten death when they can no longer walk on their own twos.
I say “Get yo’ shit right before you want to start any shit like Love, yo!”
That is why I don’t date and only choose to hang out with my women. Hangin’ out is the best and most underrated concept in human relationship since Fuck Buddy. When you hang out, you do not set any commitments with your partner. It is just a simply two person who are attracted to each other, spending time with each other and yet giving each other total freedom, space and time to figure their shit out. Hangin’ out encompasses everything that a conventional relationship entices ie. doing shits together, discovering each other’s personalities, tolerating each other’s shit, holding hands, making out, sex; but cuts out all the troublesome bullshit that one has to go thru in a committed relationship like ‘sticking together thru thick and thin’ ‘cos I say fuck that bullshit- says who that we need to lose our personal liberty as individuals when we had developed feeling for another person?
I say people should just hang out with Everyone and develop themselves from meeting as many personalities from as many walks of lives as possible while figuring themselves out. There are just too many interesting people out there that warrants the precious exciting times of our youth.
Believe me not? Take a look at couples who have been dating for some time. Do you think they are with their partner because they genuinely love them and think that there are no other person on earth like her, Or, is it because they are just afraid that they are not good enough to look for someone better, so they cling on the person of lesser quality, because they are too lazy to move out of their emotional comfort zones?
Let us never live with contention. Let us all believe in love at first sight so that we will never stop looking (this sounds vaguely familiar, I must have ripped it off from some B-Grade movie)
Pray tell that I will wash out the world. Pray tell that I will never find true love too soon. Pray tell that all I will always have is Now.
